In 2019 after loosing everything I ever cared about, my career, and three members of my family in around a five year period. I found myself broken and simply at a loss for anything. I had found myself washed out of my twenty one year career, placed on disability, been diagnosed with Anxiety/Depression/and PTSD. Then they shut off the disability and everything I had built up for myself with my $20 something dollar an hour work went away.
Once the cancellation notices started arriving, (because everything was on auto pay) I knew something was wrong and attempted to fix it. However in my many moves I lost two pieces of identity to prove I was a citizen. Funny, I tried to get them back then but couldn’t. So, I kept trying to fix one thing and six more would pop up. I soon found I was over my head, so I reached out for help.
I thought that me having always been a good tax paying person, of good reputation, doing things the right way, working as a campus public safety officer/first responder that someone would surely help me. After all I served communities and I’ve never committed a crime, kept developing my faith, never wronged anybody, always treated people better than they treated me, and tried to always do the right thing.
Sadly I was wrong. I also forgot the part about “if they hate you, remember they hated me first” says Yeshua/Jesus.
Since I need to have some things constant to maintain focus, direction, and mood, with everything now going away I found myself overloaded with too much data to process. I couldn’t fix the destruction of my empire (so to speak). Everything was being removed from me and I was a minute to homelessness. The funny thing was nobody would hire me because I didn’t have enough documentation. Then I found myself eating a single meal every four days, bought with quarters I saved up from childhood. Three months or so into that and finally it was eviction time. Perhaps also eviction from my old life, or distractions keeping me from this level of depth from our Father. Not sure.
I kept praying until I stopped. I believed that I was about to end my faith. I believed that my life was also now in question as well. I had seen everything removed from me and struggled with the enemies line “if God loves you He wouldn’t let you experience this.”…
The worst happened when the relationship I was in fell apart and she went her own way, choosing another man which would lead to that man killing her with his car. See the thing is, as that relationship (which never got out of courtship) was winding down, and everything else was going on, I simply came to the end of myself. I finally shut down, spiritually, physically, and even emotionally. I was drained.
See, as a campus public safety officer I had been the kind of guy who went into the worlds chaos as a first responder, and solved others issues. As a Non-Denomination Minister who once ran a small house church ministry, who helped people with spiritual and pastoral needs, I was suddenly the one in need. This was extremely difficult for me, I was the helper who now needed help.
What do you do when too much information causes you to shut down, when the sinking ship cannot be repaired. Or when a doctor who realizes you cannot pay for help chooses to dare you to end it all? I was really at the end of everything. Not strong any more, not able to solve problems any more, not brave any more, not optimistic any more. I was, finding the very end of me.
I had nothing left and by this time having gone through a major health scare in 2014-2015 which used all my energy to fight through that, now I was loosing what made me…. me.
I wish I could say I handled my Job style trial as good as he did. I didn’t. I was now angry at God. See even though I had Torah and been well versed and had learned a lot. I hadn’t learned Job yet. It was still in process. I’m going to say that this was probably the hardest season in my life. From 2014-2019 I literally was tried by fire of the hottest degree. I believed I was about to give up on Him. I was struggling to just see the next day.
Literally I had, and continue to have to fight for each day. Put the work into maintaining the path in front of me day but day. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to see the future again.
Then, after asking Father one last prayer before going into being homeless I asked, “God… I guess there is no reason to expect you to help here. For I feel like I’m your enemy and you’re crushing me. But if I’ve ever found favor my Lord, please don’t put me out into the streets. I would surly cease to be”.
Before I was even finished I heard somehow inside me “call your aunt”. My aunt who I had only seen three times in 30 years, the woman who took my mother (of blessed memory) in and did hospice for her on her last days, who lived a state away.
So I after hearing Him ask “do you trust me… then call you aunt” did that and she immediately came up with the help of her ex husband three days later. They moved me with the minimalist of things. The rest I had to walk away from, letting go of all my belongings and even my storage unit. Everything was gone.
So in 2019 I arrived back at my hometown from childhood. A broken sort of prodigal son style, Jobin walk trial story. At this point I was wiped out. Now living with my worldly aunt, in her place as a guest. No income, no reputation, and no way to pretend all was well. While here I got all my documentation back, but not the drivers license yet, which I had to let lapse to eat up there in the other state. But I’ve got most back, the sad thing is this place is far from everything and with no transportation no work can be had. I believe I was given this time to slow down and rebuild inside of me. To strengthen my faith, and to help to strengthen some of you with my writings (which are His not mine) and help those where I can, while resetting me as a person.
So I started to walk daily and pray as I walked to Father. Even though I was angry with Him. See I bet He was angry with me. Then the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abenego hit me. “Our God can save us, but even if He doesn’t” also hit me. Even if God doesn’t spare me the trials and pain, no matter what comes “I still love the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob… and His Son”!!
See I was sustained, painfully and in brokenness I was sustained. When I was eating food one meal every four days for three months, I was not hungry. I always had a roof over my head. I tried to walk away, but somehow I was maintaining and building my faith. It’s through trial you’re tested, but grown. “Count it all Joy” comes to mind here. Though I was certainly not happy about it. I understand the premise now.
However with no chance to get a job, with too much time on my hands I was feeling…. lost. In fact I was feeling like I was just taking up space and had no purpose. So I prayed for some kind of purpose. I knew I couldn’t do much, but needed to do something. Guess what, yep Father provided.
I was now mowing lawns, my aunts and her sons property up the road. Then also helping the neighbor up the road. But the same voice inside (His Voice) once again impressed upon me to create “Messianic Michael” on Instagram. This would later get the name change to “Biblically Grafted In”. this is where my story takes a turn.
So I started on Instagram and was next lead to start a blog called “fromtraditionstotorah.wordpress.com”. “From Traditions to Torah”, would also get a partial name change to “Biblically Grafted In”, the name changing happened after reading Romans 11 again. I began posting on Instagram and the Blog then Twitter and finally Facebook because the first two I felt lead to, the second and third friends asked me to try it. Right now I’m not on Twitter, but my blog updates to that account. But I maintain the three others. Ok, let’s unravel this now.
At the time where I was destroyed and purposeless, I was lead to post for the Father and His Son. So every morning I would wake and be lead by the Holy Spirit or the Holy Bible to write. I like writing so I just saw this as a way to “speak” into the wilderness. Since going through all that I did, I must confess that I’m not much for social interactions. I worked hard to social distance before the virus was a thing. For two years I’ve stayed around the area of the house. I get to things only on foot and try to not leave walking distances of the house. Typically I only see family members. This has helped me to just relax. To give time for my mind and heart to heal from what feels like the longest battle in my life. See now it’s hard to be face to face with new people. Not because of the virus, but because of the Anxiety and so on. I tend to push people away in a self defense mode that never is a conscious thought. So I have to fight my mind daily for interactions with others, though many never see that fight and assume I’m like they are. Normal. Simple things for me can overwhealm me for no reason, yet others can be easy. While most people just do them never thinking about them at all.
Then Father introduced Himself as not a far off distant God, but a Father. Like a legit adopted Father. To replace my earthly one who before running away, proved he wanted nothing to do with me. This changed how I address Him. His Son called Him Father, taught others to call Him Father. So Father it now became. I was adopted no longer abandoned.
I quickly noticed my writings are really outside of me. I mean they sound better than I could think and write. Perhaps He is using me as His tool like I desire. These writings are really from Him through me. They speak to me as much as to all of you. I’m a simple man, not eloquent or scholarly. These posts of mine are really beyond my level at times. When I read some of them it’s hard to accept that I typed them out.
It was about this time that I started noticing a change in me, I was slowly more able to do a bit more each day. This lead to new things and experiences. Then out of nowhere I started getting questions to answer, by people online. So I would answer the questions like my posts. Each time doing a study again, even if I did it yesterday for someone else. This lead to practicing preaching to the wild animals and flowing streams and rivers. This lead to developing me more and more each day, and also growing more as a person in faith. Wisdom and Discernment seemed to be filling places where I once had questions. Soon, people were telling me how much my posts were helping them and BGI (Biblically Grafted In) started to grow into a thing. All the while slowly renewing my mind and soul.
I felt like as long as I had nature, His Word, and my writing all would be well. So I focused with everything inside of me on that, working for Him for these two years. Forgetting myself and trying to process all that I had been through in this time of a Jobin Trial. Trying to bring y’all the best biblical content I possibly could do. Hoping to help just one person, but seemed to be helping more folks than I ever could think possible.
Along the way I noticed that I was making online friends. People I’ve talked with in email, direct message, and video. People that I would call friends. Along the way I also had been asked to see if I would like to court three ladies (spaced out over two years and one at a time obviously) in Torah Culture. To which since in 2018 the last time I tried to do that ended how it did, my response was a hard NO!!! After all, with how my mind works, all the years of waiting for “the one” to no avail, and the pain of trying to find and accept love by people… I had built up walls to make sure I’d never feel the pain of love again. All my life people have always told me I had no value. My earthly Father, Peers in school, coworkers, and society at large. Even a doctor who was supposed to help, only told me I was not worth helping. All my four or five attempts to find love failed, then the last one ended with the courtship being broken off and her choosing sin and wicked ways, which costed her… her time on earth at the hands of her “new guy”, I was done with trying to seek love from people. I had along through all of this, lost how to even see myself at all. Where others see a man of faith, I saw someone abandoned, forgotten, and rejected. I saw Paul’s “nothing good lives in me” statement. So I focused on Him, only Him and helping all of you. Somewhere along this time I’ve come to receive love and know I have more value in me that I ever knew I had. I came to realize I have still more work to do in walking this out. But I’m getting there. So can all of you, if you forget who you are.
People say it’s being humble, for me it’s really hard to receive blessings from father, or complements, or writings telling me how people are inspired by my faith, or someone telling me they are seeing me as someone to be like, or would want to spend any time with. For me it’s hard to comment on others walls, or just chat about things.
For me, it’s easier when people ask questions. This gets me to where things change at such an impossible level.
One day, I received a direct message from a woman asking questions about this biblical faith. I naturally answered. This kept going on for a few months with basic faith questions, which turned to more personal questions. Which I naturally answered. See this was comfortable as this woman was originally in a different country. So I felt I could be open and discuss my life never having to see this online person. So as the deep questions about the Bible, but also life, and everything else and nothing at all… grew, we decided to have video chats. This was originally seen to me as Helping out a sister who was trying to grow in faith. At that point that’s all I could see. It was also comfortable talking about things because I knew I would never have to worry about meeting someone from the online life. Social, in real life, for me is work.
Months passed and our talks went from an hour or two, to four, six, and sometimes eight hours. Sometimes several times a day. I started noticing feelings that was not possible because of my walls and mind…. for her. This couldn’t be happening as…. everything I’ve told you stands in the way of this. As I built up walls and defenses to protect against this. So I began to ask Father “if she isn’t in Your Desire for me to have on my walk, please remove her away. If she is in your will, for me to have on my walk, make it in a way that I’ll grasp, give her the patience to not be chased off by my defenses and help her to reach me through those walls inside of me”.
Then she came to this country. Back to her other home state. Wait, what!!!!
This then lead to a period of time of building into a online and video deep, open, and powerful friendship. Which would later result in her sending me an email asking me if there was any possibility at being more than friends. She would express her feelings for me and what I meant to her, which was extremely hard to hear. Love feelings, for me after 49 years of abandoned and tossed aside is pain. So allowing myself to let another human into that space inside of me is…. almost impossible.
I declined, this was too much to even take in. So we continued as friends. Now at two years later to my surprise Father decided that our building needed a new direction. He saw both of us had time to grow, now on His time, He felt we could really begin. Perhaps this would be my toughest steps ever.
Letting someone into my world is by far for me, hard to do. So I asked for some signs to prove this was not just another lesson. Which before the day was out, each time she would fulfill those signs I requested. I kept asking for Father to help her as much as me to be able to connect if it was His Will, or separate us of it wasn’t. The connection only grew deeper and deeper until Love could not longer be denied. The 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. She will tell you she “knew” before I did, but I knew and had to work hard to receive it. How does one receive something, that every time he does… it crumbles and tears the desire for it further away. How does one receive something from another that others have shown Isn’t for him? So I had to work to accept that she was… really there. That I could allow her in. Letting someone in shouldn’t really be that hard, but life and experiences programmed me to reject it.
Things all of the world takes for granted, I now had to work to receive. This is difficult. Also writing this is extremely hard as my family, the world, and my career suggest feeling things is a weakness. I don’t like to appear broken or weak. So yeah, I’m challenging everything today. Perhaps I’m still somehow secretly brave.
These talks kept growing and finally it was time to meet in person. Time to take the large step of stepping out of a screen and into real life. After a delay of about a week, this woman who I believe was sent to me by Father, crossed the country to meet this man she had been working to get to know. She would go to him without much planning time, and then would stay longer than she planned for, to give him time to take each step. One at a time. In his own time. By the way, patience is her strong suit not her weakness, though she would say otherwise. Thanks to Fathers Hand she is the most patient person I know.
On the day of becoming IRL (In Real Life) no longer virtual there was at least a comfort and peace that I couldn’t explain. Every day since being IRL the connection has only grown deeper and richer. The building into friendship, lead into building into relationship and is now building into the rest of how these stories should go. The end result of courting Isnt to see if you can rule someone out. It’s to see if you can take every step leading to a shared life. So apparently we are still building and will never stop building. But we are now standing at a place where there is only one step to take naturally and biblically. I know this will come to pass, sooner than later.
So this Biblically Grafted In social media thing is so dear to me, because while helping all of you, I’ve been repaired. Being repaired. Also because of doing this “ministry” or “work” Father…… through this online writing thing has chosen to pick someone who is…. way beyond what I could have ever expected. Or, more than I feel I deserve. No, she isn’t perfect and neither am I. However to me she is second only to Our Father and His Son, Spirit, and Word.
I today writing this, desire with all my soul to thank Father for what appears to be the double portion experience that is unfolding before my eyes, promised in Job. I truly have no words properly in my vocabulary to express my Love and Appreciation for Father and His ways. For His choice of whom to cross my path with. For how He is growing both of us into what…. this story is supposed to look like. For helping both of us, get to where we are with ourselves and each other.
How has Biblically Grafted In changed my life?
In my worst days it gave me hope
In the hardest times it helped me to overcome
When I was purposeless it gave me purpose
When I helped all of you, it was helping me too
When I was weak through Father and His usage of BGI I became strong
When I was silent, I was able to speak to all of you
And when my heart was the hardest it’s ever been, through BGI…… Father brought to this isolated and intentionally distant from the world man…. Love.
Through the eyes of another, through the words of another, and through this woman I am in love with… I’ve been able to be thawed out.
I would like to thank all of you my readers for when I felt like giving up, you kept me going with all your words on your walls, giving me the inspiration to continue posting. Pushing me one step at a time to this new journey I’m about to undertake.
I’ll never give up BGI or these writings. Something good can come through Instagram, Facebook, and Blogs.
Don’t let anybody tell you to silence your voice. Keep speaking until you no longer can, then go out into the street.
Remain faithful to Him. Put Him first, ask for His Will to always be done for you. Submit to Him fully. Then, just be honest and let everything else unfold how it will.
So this is some of my story. I hope that today if you feel like it’s hard to keep going… somehow my words can help give you hope.
Never give up, out, or in.
Shalom and God Bless
~Michael. Founder of “Biblically Grafted In “.
The online presence that has blessed me, and sustained me during the hardest times of my life.